i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Randomize
