i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize
