ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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