whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
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