So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
