he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
