My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
