Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Randomize
