sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
yea..i want to get out of new york for a bit too but for the love of god not to new jersey. that's like getting tired of the stripclub and getting yourself a toothless prostitute.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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