i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
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