dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
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