this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
