tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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