I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
