I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
this is an emotional support booty call
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
