i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Randomize
