If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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