someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Randomize
