He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
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