i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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