i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
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