Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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