So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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