Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Randomize