if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Randomize
