his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
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