He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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