I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
bring money and cleavage
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Randomize