The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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