and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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