I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
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