he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Randomize
