I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Randomize
