I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
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