I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I would ride that face into the sunset
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
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