YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
