Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
