I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
