Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
