people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
