You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
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