Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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