Short Circuit remake moving forward, David Carradine dead by his own hand. Come home soon, society deteriorating rapidly. Nation's capitol likely not safe.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
