she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
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