I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
