I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
