My Higher Power is John Stamos
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
