the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
