And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
did i walk over a car last night?
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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