I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize
