He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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