Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
