You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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