OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
I want to fling myself into the sun
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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