Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
