Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
