her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
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